A NEW START

As I start my new life at university I have been reflecting on my progress and the course of what has turned out to be the most difficult and challenging year of my life so far.

The year began in a state of great turmoil and destructive energy that saw me plunge into the depths of depression and psychosis. This frenetic and overwhelming period then segued into months of absolute despondency and inertia: I hardly moved or left the house for days, even weeks, on end.

My obsession with myself reached new heights and I hardly thought about anyone or anything else. I had unwittingly forfeited everything positive and life-affirming in exchange for a miserable existence which consisted of endless mental pain and torturous, depressive periods of rumination. As the elements that had hitherto defined my life (work, friends, physical activity etc.) slowly ebbed away, so there became more and more space for my own brain to expand and fold in upon itself, until I was all that I was left with.

My sole focus became this internal world that I inhabited and I fantasised about an ideal image of myself that I could never attain. I became my own jailor for not being the ‘me’ I should be- the version of myself that I felt so painfully and acutely whenever I looked in the mirror- and consequently felt so steeped in the repercussions of my flaws and failings that I adamantly believed there could be no ‘redemption’. In other words I did not think that I could ever learn to value myself.

Rather arrogantly, at this point in time, I thought that I had reached a true, more intellectualised (albeit wretched) state of being. I believed that happiness and meaning were just illusions that people, ignorant or otherwise, distracted themselves with, whilst I was seeing and experiencing life for what it really was.  

As well as being depressed, I was in the grips of something like an existential crisis. Having questioned life and finding that there was no fixed or inherent meaning in it other than that which you create yourself, I refused to participate in it. It was all just a silly scripted game! No longer a player, I resigned myself to this ‘true’ way of living. I can think of a no less sinister description of my life at this point other than comparing it to a hollow echoing chamber where the only sound was of my own internal angst.

While it is part of human nature that we create beliefs and systems of making sense of the world and of ourselves, if these are negative and continually reinforced they can lead us to become fatally blinkered and stuck in states of self-delusion. With time, a lot of determined thought and teasing out of ingrained behaviours, I have rejected this fruitless and utterly exhausting quest for meaning in exchange for actual meaning- and whether the universe (as if it even feigned to care!) designates it as real or not I no longer care.

Replacing the emptiness and loneliness with people and progress feels wonderful. I try not to always look too deeply in search of answers. After waiting for billions of years, and spending 21 years in the world, I feel as though I have only really just woken up to it. Of course I have bad days, everyone does, but I have started to be able to put these into perspective and then let go. I love going to university each day and making friends- there are so many interesting and lovely people it would be selfish not to devote time and energy to those around me. And in the process of doing this I have stopped looking for such high levels of self-perfection- after all, I don’t demand them of anyone else.

Self-discovery is a difficult process- and you may not always like what you find! - but I am grateful to be here and finally accept responsibility for my life being what I choose to make of it. 

I am going through a difficult time. I will be back soon.

VLOG: RECOVERY

HOSPITAL

I am sorry to say that I took an overdose last night. It was unintentional and I did not realise the extent of my pill consumption until it was too late and I had to be admitted to hospital. It was a harrowing experience and I am lucky I did not do any permanent damage to myself. Recovery oscillates between the ups and downs and I want to be honest and open about some of the unpleasant consequences a mental health condition can have. Thank you for all the messages of support- they have been an inestimable help.   

COLOURS

In previous posts I neglected to mention the important fact that a little over a week ago I made the decision to come off all medication (Sertraline 100mg and Olanzapine 15mg). The effects of this are starting to become evident, as I feel the world starting to shift back into place. 

I no longer feel drained as though I am living in a zombie-like state. I am starting to feel a greater spectrum of emotions, and the impact of every one, whether high or low, is joyous to me. It is like having my full field of colour restored after living in a monochromatic state for weeks on end. I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday and she noted that my voice is starting to sound more tonal and expressive. 

It is hard for me to describe the sensations occurring, as they have crept up so gradually it is difficult to detect shift or change unless I step back and analyse my thoughts and moods over a more significant period of time. 

I will use this colour analogy to try and illustrate it. 

At times, when the chemicals or signals in my brain are not functioning properly, the world becomes a nightmarish cacophony of colours, all clashing discordantly with one another. They are bright and overwhelming, skewing my vision. At other times, the world is leeched of all its brightness and vividness and cast into sombre hues, all the life seeping out of it- and me.

Now, it is like the grass is becoming green again, the sky blue. Everything is starting to look more.. normal. I can attribute this partly to the absence of synthetic chemicals in my body, as their effects were powerful and emotionally numbing. Time, also, is a key factor in this. I could not have made this transition off my medication a month ago. 

Each tentative step or lurch forward I take, however painful, brings me to where I am now, and, crucially, I am starting to accept my present self. As I have found, there is no passion to be found in living in the past- it is the surest way to negatively alter present meaning and lose sight of yourself. So I am trying to discover the hope and enjoyment in life, while accepting that there is also a lot of frustration and disappointment. My attitude is starting to shift, and hopefully in time my life will become a reflection of that. 

'Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action'. Benjamin Disraeli

HOW LONELY ARE YOU?

'It is not the strongest of the species that survives, or the most intelligent, but rather the one most adaptable to change.' Charles Darwin

I have left the confines of Winchester to come and pay a visit to my grandparents in Baldock, to 'rehabulate' (rehabilitate) me, as my grandad put it. We detoured via the scenic roads, which in retrospect was not a good idea, as the bucolic views were not worth the 4 hour car journey! 

Leaving Winchester was difficult, especially since I have not done so for several months. Even my walks around the city rarely deviate from my well-established routes. This inevitably means that I am quite alone a lot of the time. I was reading an article the other day on loneliness and its effects on mental health and it got me thinking..

Although my solitude is self-imposed and punishing, I find social interaction very difficult. I am not sure how much this time spent in my own company I really truly enjoy, and how much can be attributed to the convenience of retreating into old routines and the sense of comfort this brings. In my mind this keeps me safe. I often find that I am ready, but not willing, to step out of my comfort zone and try something new.

So why not simply take the plunge and go out more? After all, if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got. In other words, change is essential. I believe human interaction must contribute to our mental wellbeing, as too much time spent on one's own can easily lead to over-thinking and analysing past events- a clear recipe for anguish and self-reprobation! That doesn't mean we need hoards of friends. There is no such thing as objective isolation. It is quite possible to have just a few close friends and to not feel isolated or lonely. 

I think the problem lies somewhere within the labyrinthine entanglement of my innate introversion and mental health difficulties. I will never be the gregarious type or the life of a party, but once you cut yourself off from people it is astonishing how quickly you can adapt in order to cope and loose touch with 'regular' social states and perceptions. Making conversation becomes arduous, and even messaging friends can feel challenging. This is a self-enforcing negative cycle, which played its part in the depression that drew my university life to a halt.

I consider this trip to my grandparents as a first step. Hopefully I can reconnect with some of that sociability I have lost over the months and years. I apologise to those I have let down due to my propensity to disengage with the world. I can only hope to make amends and aim to re-establish some of the social ties I have let slip. 

Take the UCLA loneliness test: http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/loneliness.htm
I scored 37. 

SUICIDAL IDEATION

I have a very difficult relationship with this term, which is also a classic symptom of depression.

Suicidal ideation is the epitomisation of utter hopelessness. It is when you find that you have developed an intransigent preoccupation with death. Your own death in particular. Thoughts or fantasies about suicide rule your conscious mind, perhaps most of your waking moments. Death seems like the ultimate and only form of relief to your suffering. Your brain is a destitute, baron wasteland and death is a beautiful red rose.

You may find yourself making a detailed plan, which becomes a perverse source of comfort. 'Just think of the ways how and when. It would solve everything.' insists a voice in your head. Because when all else is gone, when no one else is left, no matter what happens, you will always have your plan. Over time it has become less of a symptom and more of a control mechanism.

Suicidal ideation is my default mode of thought, seemingly hard-wired into me. It is something I find hard to 'turn off', as it is a simple, last-call answer to all of life's painfulness and perplexity. Thoughts of death can be consoling at difficult times despite their isolating and desolate nature. However, as my mum rightly reminds me, they are not natural. 

Life is natural, essential, instinctive. 

Death is the foreign, pernicious and unwelcome stranger in my mind. It is intrusive and destructive, but also very compelling. Instead of indulging these thoughts and letting them grow, I think of three good things that have happened in my day. I'm trying to start replacing them. Develop a new habit. It's important to remind myself that good things do happen to me but that chronic, mechanical part of my head has been over-ruling them. Recovery begins with many little first steps such as this.